Alright, let's try this again

my day’s gone to hell already, and its not even noon

listening to 90’s music is actually helping though.

I woke up at 11am, checked my phone and saw my alarm for my 10:30 am appointment had gone off. it was a half-hour appointment. I haven’t seen my therapist in three weeks. The last appointment I had to cancel so I could sign up for classes for next year, and I slept through this one. I don’t know why exactly I’m depressed because of this, but I am.

I really don’t want to keep going to therapy, but the last time I stopped, the meds as well, it was hell getting back on them and going back to therapy.

my therapy for today: 90’s music

Where my emotions physically affect my body

Jealousy- the frontal cortex; light-headed, not grounded mentally

Extremely upset/depressed- both sides of my head and my chest, but in the back; heavy, weighted down, closed in, tightening muscles in neck, chest begin to hurt and is super pressure sensitive (as if I’d been punched in the chest)

Stressed- stomach; can’t eat, nausea, tightening feeling

Negatively Anxious- jaw and entire body; jaw clenches tight, body begins to shake (as if cold) body temp decreases if anxious for too long

Flustered- eyes; don’t know where to look, stresses muscles in eyes

So that was a bust

I knew it wasn’t the best idea, but I got and learned a lot from it.

-I turn emotions I hide into anger

-the more hidden emotions the more anger I feel

-I actually do have some control over my emotions:

1. If I show them

2. When I show them

3. To who do I show them

-But it is impossible to not feel them

You just gotta sit down and go, “I know this is irrational, but this IS how I am feeling right now and I need to acknowledge it.”

I don’t wanna be jealous, especially over the smallest shit, but I can’t help it. Not only is it my messed up past, and incident, but just plain out how I feel in that moment. It sucks, but you let go of it.

You’ll never be happy if you don’t.

Day ??

So I lose track when counting… It’s been about a week… almost.

I’ve noticed I’m a lot more pissed off about things. My anger gets triggered really easily and I have to stifle that as well. That doesn’t surprise me though.

What’s funny though, is that I’m getting more emotional reactions out of my gf than I expected. She’s usually so much better than me at not letting things get to her, but she’s been showing a lot more lately. I don’t mind it at all. I want that from her. I want her to know if something bothers her it’s okay to show it. Hell, I used to try to get reactions out of her.

Anyways, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, but I’m gonna keep it up.

1 month ago

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Ahhhhh!!!!!! One of my cast members had no idea how much he helped me last night/this morning. (it was at like 1am) Anyways, we were at the cast party and it went into my birthday, and they all sang me happy birthday (over thirty people). It was literally the best way to go into the birthday I was fearing the most.

But he said that we were going into a profession, Theatre, that let us play and be kids. I still have a chance.

Day 3

So it’s become an hourly countdown to my birthday. Most people would be excited. Me, not so much. I’m going to be 20.

Am i unstable? I don’t want to turn twenty. It’s actually causing me to panic the closer I get to it. Four days. In four days I’ll never be a teenager again. Being a teen sucks, you’re still treated as a child, yet expected to act as an adult. It’s the most pressuring time in your life. Yet I don’t want to be twenty. Like I have a choice though. If I did, I’d put it off, for just a little bit longer.
If I died today, I’d be worthless. I haven’t done anything with my life, I haven’t even changed or inspired anyone else’s. I haven’t done anything.
I’m talking like twenty means death, but in a way it does. The child I was who never had a chance, now never will.
I should’ve felt all this at eighteen I suppose. It makes sense. That’s the age everything is expected. You are legally responsible, you have responsibilities, you’re on your own.

Why is twenty so horrifying? Why is it making me feel more worthless than ever.

Day 2

Okay, so I guess I should explain. I’m tired of wearing my emotions, at least the depressing ones. So I’m not showing them anymore.
What, that’s crazy! That’s not good/healthy!
Yeah, I know. But this way I can at least get control over my emotions. I can keep them from showing right away, and save them for when I have a clearer mind and won’t be overwhelmed completely.

Hence, day 2. My plan is already backfiring horribly. I had enough control yesterday to not snap and tell my girl friend that her plans to live with two other girls that like her (as more than a friend) is a horrible idea. And that it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
(as I type, I need to keep my emotions in check)
As I swallowed it down, I realized no matter how long I keep it down, it’ll come up with the same intensity as before. Mainly because no matter if we talk about it or not, it will still bother me the same as it did when she first told me.

Meanwhile, when I woke up this morning I felt very distant from her. I still kind of do, but I’m trying to work around it.
I just don’t want to be taken over by emotions anymore. I want to give this a few weeks before I decide what to do next.

I have a feeling that I’ll be fighting the emotions from the same problem though until something new comes up. For right now though, it’s just working on consciously controlling the way I feel.